It’s Monday morning. Another Monday morning & the routine begins. The morning rush, getting through traffic & surviving it to arrive at the office.
Only to step out of the car & feel that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s the all too familiar feeling of DREAD. Coming to work, before even stepping inside the building, I feel anxious for what attitude, unpleasantness & unfairness awaits me today. And, every day. It’s only the intensity that varies. Or how much I have going on in my personal life, that may distract me for a few minutes out of a dreaded work day.
Before I carry on, I must confess – I HATE confrontation in any form!! But, I’ve started repeating something to get me through all this discomfort of confrontation as explained below: “Short term pain, Long term gain”.
The past few months have been difficult. After 5.5yrs with the company, I started having discussions with my manager about my concerns of favouritism & general unfairness, unequal split of workload (meaning I’m getting more than my colleague), lack of career growth & a repeated trend of denial of my leave days when it’s inconvenient for him.
What dream world was I living in, believing the “open door policy” and “approachable manager style” crap I’ve been fed thus far?
We butted heads, but I presented facts & figures, which he disagreed with & took my approach personally. An issue of race & discrimination came up which made me extremely uncomfortable. I then decided I would speak with his boss. Another uncomfortable, but necessary step I had to take for myself. If I don’t look after me, no one will. His boss practises what he preaches. And I respect him & his seniority a lot. I could learn so much from him. He listened to my concerns, gave me some input & said he would have a chat with my manager.
I was shocked to hear him turn my concerns into his concerns. Telling me how damaging it would be to his career if word got out I thought he was discriminating against me. Excuse me, what the actual F*CK?? I was flabbergasted! So self-absorbed, rather than hearing my concerns, he simply heard how it would impact him “if word got out” and actually asked me if I wanted to “formalise” my concerns? WOW! That same out of left field, for me. A near “Survivor Blindside” This honest, approachable, kind man – suddenly only cared about himself.
Before all these discussions started in December, I also applied for study assistance through the company. How coincidental, that at the time these discussions are happening, the decision I got from the company, is that they no longer offer bursaries to staff, only partial assistance. As in, they will pay for the course (regardless of its value), but I will have to pay 50% from my salary within the financial year. This equates to 2k deducted from my salary each month. Can you afford such a deduction for 12 months? I certainly cannot. And my manager sat there, nodding & agreeing with the “Hidden Resource” Manager – rather than stand up for me & tell her I deserve the assistance, because I am a good, hard worker – someone he depends on. NOPE… absolutely zilch! So, I got up & left. If those were the only options I had, I had none.
In the days from 15 December to date, I have dealt with so many emotions relating to these unpleasant circumstances. I feel exploited, overworked, overlooked, no taken seriously, taken advantage of, disrespected, angry, hurt, disgusted & defeated.
I’ve reached the point of no fight left in me ☹ I just want out. I’ve been reaching out to recruitment agencies & wow! Do I have stories to tell about them! But in applying for new jobs, you have to have thick skin for the numerous rejections. I know it’s not personal, these people don’t know me – if they did, they’d be begging me to join their staff! But, seriously, I’m stuck. I want to leave my job, I want to do something I love, I want to travel, I want to stop dreading Monday!
Do you have any advice for me? Any tips to deal with the day-to-day struggle? I know, I believe, there is something better for me. I am not suffering from destination addiction; a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place. I just know, the situation I find myself in now, is not my final destination. Can’t be – I’m fukkin miserable! I wasn’t given this life to be miserable!
(I don’t know why I decided to quit smoking now, when it used to be my go-to coping mechanism)