Yawn…

I’m tired! Tired of being a people pleaser. Tired of wanting to be liked.

I think this is the point in my life where I’m realising just how exhausting & draining it is. The people in my life, the people I allow into my world, know me. They know all my quirks, get my sense of humour, cringe politely at my bluntness, they get me. Those who aren’t in this magical circle, don’t get me. I get that now. And I think I’m becoming ok with it.

So what if I’m not included in your hush conversation or private joke. Just because you’re giggling, doesn’t mean you’re giggling about me. This is something I really need to let go of. I am not the centre of other people’s worlds…haha! I mean, really now!

I’ve always wanted to be included & liked. From as far back in my memory as my brain allows! Often, this came at my own expense. So much so, that I don’t really know who I am. After always wanting to be something someone else wanted. Or, always thinking I had to be the same as someone else. This has to stop! Good grief! How am I going to live the life I love, do the things I love, dress the way I love, eat the way I love or just LOVE my way… if all I ever do is seek approval (albeit secretly / subconsciously) from others? So I smoke, I swear, I have a flabby belly… I’m not perfect, but I have yet to meet someone who is. So why do I seem to have the misconception that others are “better” than me, that who they are, what they are is better than what I am? Strangely enough, with all my imperfections, I am loved. I am liked. I am enough, just not for myself it seems.

Now where do I start? It’s so daunting! Having realised this, I now have to face change. Change in my mind. Shame, poor little head-space is overflowing! Ok, ok. I am also tired of putting pressure on myself, so I am going to take this one slow. Rediscovering who I am. What makes me tick? What makes me laugh, cry, hurt, enjoy? Over the past few weeks, I have started realising there are things I like & enjoy that may not interest people in my life. (More on this another time J ) Just because no-one else is doing what I do, enjoying what I enjoy, doesn’t make it wrong. It doesn’t mean I should stop, or be ashamed of it. This is part of who I am.

If the people in my life, in my magical circle, can’t understand these things about me or don’t like me the same because of it, then our circle needs to be re-evaluated. After all, not all circles are unbreakable.