Aimlessly indecisive…

Why is it so easy for some people to know what they want? To have a career direction or a master plan? Do you have one? I don’t. And it’s really bugging me & causing me stress. I cannot be plodding along each day with no direction. I am hugely frustrated in my everyday routine, my job brings me no joy, my colleagues are complaining cows & I feel I just don’t fit! But, how do some people just know what they want to do in the next phase of their lives? Or for the rest of their days?

 

Some days, I have grand ideas! A “way out” of my dissatisfying, quite frankly miserable current situation. Last week I convinced myself that I want to be a copywriter! And off I go researching where I can do a part time course, what kind of job that will allow me to find. A few weeks ago, I was sure I wanted to be a food technologist. I thought, I’ve passed all the right high school subjects to study in that field. That too, just fizzled. Plenty more directions – clearly my brain needs a traffic official. I’ve even started an idea book. I keep track of all my grand plans. But this isn’t helping me right now!

 

Just the other night, I was praising my niece for the direction she has taken with her studies. Facing many uphill challenges, she is determined & has such a great support structure. However, it made me realise how much I lacked direction. I never chose something, stuck to it, followed though & became something from that decision. I’m afraid if I choose something specific, I’ll fail. And, honestly, I don’t know what to “choose”! I am 36 years (young), surely by now I should have my sh!t together? Did I miss the day when they were handing out direction or decision making skills?

 

My man-friend says “find something you love & that makes you happy” HOW? Where do I begin? And how do I deal with the daily misery while “soul searching”? I just want to throw in the towel. Put my hands up & say “ENOUGH! I’M OUTTA HERE!” I’m really struggling & it’s not easing up. I’m not getting that light-bulb moment. I’m not satisfied with where I am, but don’t know where I want to be. Good grief, I give myself a headache sometimes 😦

I feel as if I am being clutched in the arms of a giant monster & I’ll be stuck there until I can make a smart move. Some days, it’s just easier to concede defeat because even a monster can make you feel safe. And safety can be dangerous, more so than risk.

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