Aimlessly indecisive…

Why is it so easy for some people to know what they want? To have a career direction or a master plan? Do you have one? I don’t. And it’s really bugging me & causing me stress. I cannot be plodding along each day with no direction. I am hugely frustrated in my everyday routine, my job brings me no joy, my colleagues are complaining cows & I feel I just don’t fit! But, how do some people just know what they want to do in the next phase of their lives? Or for the rest of their days?

 

Some days, I have grand ideas! A “way out” of my dissatisfying, quite frankly miserable current situation. Last week I convinced myself that I want to be a copywriter! And off I go researching where I can do a part time course, what kind of job that will allow me to find. A few weeks ago, I was sure I wanted to be a food technologist. I thought, I’ve passed all the right high school subjects to study in that field. That too, just fizzled. Plenty more directions – clearly my brain needs a traffic official. I’ve even started an idea book. I keep track of all my grand plans. But this isn’t helping me right now!

 

Just the other night, I was praising my niece for the direction she has taken with her studies. Facing many uphill challenges, she is determined & has such a great support structure. However, it made me realise how much I lacked direction. I never chose something, stuck to it, followed though & became something from that decision. I’m afraid if I choose something specific, I’ll fail. And, honestly, I don’t know what to “choose”! I am 36 years (young), surely by now I should have my sh!t together? Did I miss the day when they were handing out direction or decision making skills?

 

My man-friend says “find something you love & that makes you happy” HOW? Where do I begin? And how do I deal with the daily misery while “soul searching”? I just want to throw in the towel. Put my hands up & say “ENOUGH! I’M OUTTA HERE!” I’m really struggling & it’s not easing up. I’m not getting that light-bulb moment. I’m not satisfied with where I am, but don’t know where I want to be. Good grief, I give myself a headache sometimes 😦

I feel as if I am being clutched in the arms of a giant monster & I’ll be stuck there until I can make a smart move. Some days, it’s just easier to concede defeat because even a monster can make you feel safe. And safety can be dangerous, more so than risk.

A moment missed…

I was extremely sluggish this morning… more so than usual. I’m a selective morning person, by this I mean when something exciting is happening – like an early morning beach swim, hike, road trip, something with a purpose other than “going to the office” I’m up at the crack of dawn!

So off I go, wiping my weary eyes, going through the motions. Then, while driving, I felt my insides awakened by a gorgeous sunrise. I could literally feel my eyes open wider. Now, I live in Cape Town, so our sunrises and sunsets are absolutely stunning! But this morning, as I came to the top of a bridge, my first instinct was… “Stop the car, get your camera & capture this!!” I had such an internal struggle because I really wanted to, but because I was running late & didn’t want to “look bad” walking into the office 10 minutes late (micro-managed under an iron thumb!) – I didn’t stop.

I can still picture what I saw this morning, with sadness in my heavy heart 😦 No two sunrises or sunsets are the same. So my chance has passed. I won’t dwell on this, what could have been or what isn’t. I just needed to get it out of my head-space – so I can concentrate on my 12-Tab Excel sheet I’m (supposed to be) working on 😉

The lesson I take from this experience is, when you have an opportunity to do something which excites you, awakens your grumbly insides, or just makes you smile… you must grab said opportunity!

So will I stop next time? Keep an eye on ‘My Pics’ page 🙂

Does it ever end?

Peer pressure doesn’t magically disappear when you turn 21. It’s something that takes a different form once you’re an adult. Sometimes it’s just blatant bullying.

For example, why don’t you have a boyfriend? (In the “what’s wrong with you” tone) You may even get nudged (or bullied) into a fix-up.

Now I have a great guy in my life, so the shift moves to “when are you getting married?” You then get reminded that you’ve been in a relationship for however long they can remember you being together. Also, you are reminded how many others have tied the knot. Ever consider, maybe we as a couple have just not found this to be a priority? That maybe we are happy & content with the way things are? And last I heard, weddings are frikkin expensive – we’d rather TRAVEL!

Next up…the “when are you having kids” questions. Oh my hat! Having been in said “long relationship”, my partner & I discussed this at length & came to the decision that we have no interest in having kids. We don’t have to justify or explain our decision to anyone. But the amount of brazen reactions we get, like;

  • You don’t know what you’re missing out on
    • I’m sorry? Sleep?
  • Who will you have when you’re old
    • I am enough & plan for my “old age”
  • Don’t you want to leave a legacy
    • Doing so everyday
  • How can you be so selfish? There are women struggling to have babies & you choose not to?
    • Am I to become a surrogate to ease your conscience? “Choose” = Choice = MINE

I live my life. I am not a sheep in the herd following what everyone else is doing. If something works for me, I am going with that. Surely, if I am happy, that should be enough? It’s hard enough being an adult, having to deal with grown up pressures, work stress, bills to pay, etc. Dealing with other people’s ideals is certainly not on my priority list.

Thank goodness I’ve gotten over the “people pleasing” otherwise I may just have popped some kiddies to “fit in” or make others happy.

So you really have to be clear on what it is you want. Before succumbing to the peer pressure & making life altering decisions.

Please feel free to comment on this topic.