Trying to quit: Day 56 – 8 weeks smoke free

Wow! That’s quite an achievement. For me it is!

I am so glad I did this for myself. I am so glad I didn’t do it for anyone else. What I’ve learnt in the past 8 weeks is, no one cares! People forget. They say “well done” occasionally or if you happen to mention your progress. Other than that, no one really gives a flying fuck. No one is commenting on your fresher breath, that you don’t “stink” after popping out for a walk, that you’re not coughing so much anymore. And that’s ok 😊

I am fueled by my own reasons for quitting. And by the memory of how difficult those 1st 2 or 3 weeks were. My progress is just that… my own.

Hey, I do still miss it occasionally. I still struggle with the coping connection cigarettes were for me, but it has become easier. The cravings aren’t completely gone, every now & then I blurt out “OH! A smoke would be great right now!” But, it’s kinda become a joke for us now 😏 I cried a little today – unrelated, but a smoke would have made me feel better.

I’m going to continue saying I’m trying to quit because the last time I tried (maybe 8years ago), it only lasted 18months before stress & loneliness overwhelmed me & I whipped out my trusty coping stick.

So, I’m a work-in-progress. Some progress, is better than none!

#onehouratatime #onedayatatime #exsmokerconfessions

Trying to quit: Day 21 – 3weeks smoke free! 😀

I think that’s something worth celebrating, I’m actually flippin proud of myself!

3 candles for 3 weeks 🙌

I read somewhere it takes 21 days to change a habit or something along those lines. I’m not so sure my smoking habit has “changed”, but one thing that has changed is me not buying cigarettes anymore.

The past 21days have been very difficult for my body & mind, but it’s in my past now. I’ve nearly given up on myself many times, but I persevered.

I’m alone at the moment & the urge to light up is still strong. I think it’s boredom mixed with loneliness. Every time I feel this compelling urge, I think of how many days, hours are behind me. For that reason, I cannot give up on myself. Oh, I also don’t have anything left in my home to light up… other than little candles, so that helps 😆

I’m moving from daily to weekly “Trying to quit” updates. Because that’s not the only topic my blog is about.

Time to refocus, move forward.

Thank you for all the support thus far, you have all been amazing 🤙

#onehouratatime #quitsmoking #smokefree

Trying to quit: Day 20 – still no substitute

After dinner & feeling fussy. I don’t know what to do with myself. Why? Well, you guessed it! I just want that after dinner smoke 🤦‍♀️

I know, I’ll pop out to the shop! Cake. Biscuits. That’d be great with some coffee. Hold on. That’s a trap! Soon I’ll look like a house without realizing it because I’m substituting smoking with nibbling. No! I’m not going down that rabbit hole 😤 So, no shop popping for me tonight. Besides, it’s bad for my Diabetes – yeah, that too 🙄

God! It’s still so hard 😣 Ok, an episode of Grey’s Anatomy will have to do… sigh.

#onehouratatime #quitsmoking #smokefree

Trying to quit: Day 19 – Update

If you’re a regular reader, you may have noticed a missing entry yesterday which was Day 18. It’s not because I forgot, not because I gave in & started smoking again.

It’s because I had an extremely emotional day. Not solely because of not having a cigarette, just overall. It was one of those days smoking would have been comforting.

Yet, I’m happy to report… still smoke free🙂

The struggle continues…

#onehouratatime #smokefree #quitsmoking #thestruggleisreal

Trying to quit: Day 17 – something’s not right

A while back, I told you about the pharmaceutical assistance my GP gave me, to help with the anxiety bla bla bla. Today is the last pill of the halved dosage, which I’ve been taking for the past 4 nights.

The past week has been yet another nightmare of emotions, just like the first week.

Which leaves me wondering 😩 did I get to Day 17 thinking I was getting better, when I fact it was just the meds making me feel “better”?

Because, let me tell you, now that the full dosage & half dosages have come to an end… I’m ready to go buy a packet & smoke till I vomit!!! 😤

What the fuck am I doing to myself? Why can’t I get through this? Maybe I’ve proven my own point. I’m not as strong as others see me, expect me to be. Maybe I’m just a goddam fucking failure! But you see, I’ve now created an expectation of others. People are relying on me to succeed for my own health. And for some reason, what people think of me, my successes, my failures… actually matters to me. Meanwhile, I’m a mess! A disaster! A wreck!

Last night, I furiously went to my car, determined to put an end to this misery, just pop to the nearest store, get smokes & I was already picturing myself exhale that first puff with enormous relief!

Instead, I sat in the car balling my fucking eyes out. Eventually, I went to the shop & bought a Magnum Ice-cream ☹️

(God! Right now I can picture myself at the beach, listening to the waves, smelling the ocean air… and having a puff!!!)😡

This #onehouratatime ain’t working so well anymore. Every hour is a struggle. It doesn’t help that I’m surrounded by idiots who make me feel like a stuck record 🥴 I don’t know what the fuck else to do. So, stay tuned… I may relapse very soon. If that happens, I will show you.

Trying to quit: Day 16 – unraveling

Today was hard. Again. and still is right now! I didn’t make an effort to get up and walk as often as usual because I was too busy. When I was smoking, it didn’t matter how busy I was, I always found a gap to take that break. And not walking, made me frustrated & that didn’t help with the work pressure.

But also today, I feel as if my inside voice is trying to get out of my body! My eyes feel funny. My throat feels stuffy. I’m tearing up for stupid shit. All I want to do is smoke a ciggie!

Fukkit!!! 😩

Trying to quit: Day 15 – a tough day

Today, is not one of my better days ☹️ I haven’t smoked, so I guess that’s a win 😐 But the urge, that craving was exacerbated by a rough, shitty day at the office. Feeling like a bit of a rag doll. Not even taking my usual walk helped today because being outside made me think of what I should be doing inside 🤷‍♀️

I must find a way to deal with work stress & pressure without desperately wanting to smoke!!! 😤 How? I don’t know how 😭

Yesterday I felt such a sense of accomplishment & today I feel like a drain rat! 😭 Today is the first day I feel scared. A strange kinda scared. Scared I don’t have the strength I felt so proud of just a day ago! Scared I may give up on quitting. Choices! Decisions! This is so rough 🤯

Free falling on this damn emotional rollercoaster again 🤦‍♀️

#onehouratatime #quitsmoking

Trying to quit: Day 14 – I’m in recovery

What have I learnt in the past 14days?

• How to count hours 🤣

• Nicotine addiction is real. Addiction recovery is a process. I’ve had to be patient with myself. That in itself was hard. My #onehouratatime plan is working for me. I really didn’t have a plan. Perhaps that is why it’s been 2weeks of hell.

• I’ve been through a rollercoaster of emotions. I didn’t recognize myself & what was coming out my mouth most times. I was irritable, snappy, rude, crying, screaming into a pillow, kicking my feet – yes throwing tantrums. But, I allowed myself to feel all of it & remember how I was feeling. Because if I went back to smoking simply to relieve the withdrawal, I’d have to get back on that rollercoaster some day again.

• Every hour, every day, every outing, every argument, every fabulous meal, every first morning coffee, and all associations with smoking… will be a struggle for a long time. Habits are hard to break. Not impossible, just difficult.

• Smoking & not smoking does not define me. It meant nothing to anyone whether I was smoking or not. It will mean nothing to anyone if I start again. My decision to quit, was for myself. Sometimes we have to be selfish.

• I’m way harder on myself than I should be. I was frustrated on Day 2 that I wasn’t coping 🙄

• I have a lot to be proud of. I am proud of my progress. How about that! 👏

I’m not smelling roses any better or tasting things differently or any of those cliched post quitting successes. My successes are getting through my days, just not smoking a cigarette – or 5😉

#onehouratatime #quitsmoking

Trying to quit: Day 13 – Update

🤭 still smoke free 🙌

I must confess, one thing I am enjoying a lot, is the lingering flavor after a good meal. A couple of small things that may seem silly or insignificant to most, but I’m starting to appreciate those small things.

Stay tuned…

#onehouratatime #smokefree

Trying to quit: Day 12 – Sunday Funday

Hi everyone 🙋‍♀️

Weekends are just as much a struggle as any other day. This weekend, I told another three people in my circle. The “big news” and when I saw their faces I had to say; “No, I’m not pregnant” 🤦‍♀️

After 12 days, hearing people say I can do it & I must stick to my decision & well done… bla bla bla All I can think is how hard it’s been getting to this 12th day. I’m kinda rolling my eyes at “oh I also quit cold turkey, it’s the best way”

Listen, I will be honest with anyone & everyone. If you decide to quit smoking after two decades, it is going to be fukkin horrible. It’s not as easy as some tell you. They remember the now, not the then.

For me the “then” is what is keeping me from picking up another smoke. (Trust me, the want is still there)

The “then” for me is the immediate crap my body & mind went through when I quit.

This is what I remember & what I will tell people about.

Quitting is not easy.

#onehouratatime #quitsmoking